Saturday, June 04, 2005
Okay, I decided to stop being lazy and do my blog. Heh.Anyway, on friday I was pretty glad to have school end at 12+, normal times of 3.15 was really a bitch, I couldn't stay awake so long.. the droning of voices is sooo sleep-inducing. At least I looked forward to finish watching the rest of Bleach (at #30 now), and damn I can't wait to see Ichigo kick Renji's boastful butt! I've become addicted to the song by Orange Range, haha. Pity, I'm not able to find the whole entire song - just the 1 minute+ one.
Back to school stuff.. titration practicals were okay. I kept forgetting to focus on the drops and when I turned back my head or let my hand slip on the knob, the solution turned pink already (we were using methyl orange and neutralising an alkali). ~_~ Ohwell, at least I was able to get a pretty accurate reading of 0.1 difference, yay =3
However, I still need crash courses on calculations, equations and formulas. I have no clue as to how to find concentration or mol/dm3 or whatever.. it'll be my end because they tend to ask a lot of that. (that explains the 10-mark pulldown from my A1 to a B3 in mid year TT_TT)
Yesterday, I started crying again. I indulged myself in self-pity - how I was helpless to do anything; help my family, get a job, make my sister quit smoking (knowing she won't anyway because it's a "habit", not an "addiction"), provide for the family financially. Heck, my mum LOVES to exaggerate things. She goes on and on about how little my dad earns ($2500 monthly), and complains about what she doesn't get. When I try to reason nicely about how much I need a new monitor, she tells me about car needing new batteries lah, her own allowance lah, bills lah, my SISTER's bloody expenditure lah (like HELL she gets her own damn job and she's still a parasite). Jerrold tried to tell me to be positive. What have I been doing all these years then? I put on a smile everyday to let everyone see there's nothing wrong - I act like someone I'm not. Yanwen-jie actually thought I was some girl who lived in a bungalow, but I'm not. I'm not anything all of you think I am. I just live this my way, crying alone and wishing my life was better instead of doing something. Not because I don't want to. If given the chance to be a journalist, I'd go all out and provide for my family financially. Then of course, I'd make my sister understand she has to stop feeding on my parents and work for herself. And make her shut up once and for all for calling me "not having a job and mumbling so much". She's just going for material wants.
Jerrold told me to stop thinking of other people and be selfish for once. I object, and will never do so. If everyone thought like that, the world would be a place of uselessness. It's people who become like that that cause wars, fighting, hatred and of course, death. Selfishness starts everything. Jealousy, lust, thought of killing, ignorance, wanting everything for self.
I might not make sense now, but if you looked at a different perspective, if everyone was selfless and willing to help others instead of walking away and helping themselves.. it'd be such a nicer world. But that's all we can hope for. I'll ask you then Jerrold: if you felt selfishness was better than being selfless.. why did you ever become part of a lifesaving team? It's people like you who give up their lives to save people - there's no part of selfishness in there. Of course, you also said that you aren't asking me to be either all the time.. but seriously, I don't really know how to be selfish. Stupid huh. I just put others before myself.. must be those cathechism classes I had too much. The "put others before self" motto is drilled into this baka too damn much. But it's okay, I'll do it my way. Thanks for being muddled into my problems everytime, I feel so damn guilty dragging you into the picture and crying it out to you sif it was your fault when it isn't.
I'm no hero.
I'm no livesaver.
But I'll be who I am.. and stay that way. If it doesn't help everyone -
it'll help at least someone.
anyhow whacked by gloria @ 10:32 am