Friday, April 08, 2005
I screwed up - again.I thought it was okay and I did good for Chinese, seeing that I was able to (for once) read properly, and converse properly in the 2nd question since Jiamin asked me the exact same question this morning during Chinese lesson. Thank you min. Thank you Mr Chai, 蔡老师万岁! \o/
But due to my joy, I grew very overconfident about my English. For an hour, I gave myself ego-boosts and made myself assured that I'd get high marks for English.
The passage was easy. I had it all in my head for the picture. I was considering the questions that might come out related to the picture/passage, and while seated in the middle of the hall, I kept staring at Mrs Hoe with Mrs "DoReMiFaSoh" (the only seat with TWO teachers invigilating), and back at Mr Osgodby.
When Mrs Hoe and Soh wanted a student to examine, no one at my right dared to go as there were two teachers. I looked around, and stood up. I proudly marched to them as any arrogant bitch could carry her legs.
I was so fucking wrong.
I totally regret being such an ass in front of them.
Why did I have to be so stuck-up like some special-streamed student when you KNOW VERY FUCKING WELL, Chua Shu Mei.. that you AREN'T. You're just a secondary 5 NORMAL ACADEMIC student, and suffered one year more in this school in tears.
I BULLSHITTED. I just had to make up a white lie in front of a teacher that is not only the Head of Department in English, but someone who has read widely, and has FAR better vocabulary than I ever will. WHY THE FUCK did I go about mentioning I liked to do research on marine biology and that seahorses were hermaphrodites when I wasn't even fucking sure if that was true?! ARGH.
I felt so fucking stupid I kept shaking my head and muttering swear words under my breath. I walked out, my eyes brimming with tears. As I was the only student "daring" (snobbish, rather) enough to take on Mrs Hoe and Mrs Soh, theirs was the only table at the right side of the hall, while the other teachers were at the front or the left side. I exited by the right side, and walked down the corridor thinking what an idiot I must look like now to Mrs Hoe. She's probably laughing at me and giving me a fucking F for "FAIL, FAGGOT!"
I went home before the rest did since I was really going to fucking cry my eyes out in front of the rest of the class that came out if I stayed any longer. I walked down another corridor to the Staff room, and saw Nick approach. He probably saw me crying, but I hung my head low and looked the other way as he walked passed, like any other student or teacher that might've noticed me.
I felt so embarrassed I wanted to get myself knocked over. I stood in the middle of the street for a while, but seeing that they were going at such a slow speed, it would've only gotten my legs broken instead of being fatal.
I was in a daze until I went home. I saw 1, 2, 3 other shoes apart from the normal fcuk slippers and mum's market shoes. That meant only one thing: Mum was playing Mahjong at home. I quickly wiped off any tears, and opened the door. I greeted my mum and the guests, and shook off Sabbath who greeted me with.. the usual procedure of sniffing my shoes and rubbing herself all over it, crazy cat. I quickly marched past the table they were playing at, burying my face with my hands and my Dan Brown book.
Mummy just HAD to ask the question.
Mum: "So how was your orals?"
Fuck. Just great.
Me: "Uh, don't worry lah," I lied.
Mum: "骗人." (Lies.)
Me: "Really lah, *laughs* why worry?"
I quickly closed my room door and locked it because all I did was choke on my words.. fall on my bed.. and muffle my cries with my pillow.
I am such a total failure.
anyhow whacked by gloria @ 6:55 am