Thursday, March 10, 2005
The wound has ceased to close.It's nothing superficial.
The tears that fall upon it just add in more agonising pain.
I want to stand again,
But I'm pushed from the anguish that reminds me once
Of a time I was left alone.
Of a time where I cried.
Of a time no one cares.
The pain returns again..
My childhood fear;
My nightmare..
It's back.
To those that have think my mind has become a delusionised world and that I have become someone unknown, idiotic, and bitchy, I would urge you to please read on. To those that don't, please move on with your life and stop spending precious minutes with reading my blog and not understanding.
I was seriously pissed off when Mr Chan called us to go down to the field. Even Junhao saw me mouth "f*cker" and for all who know, I don't badmouth people behind their backs. If I have something to say, I say it in his/her face. I glared at him, and said "BITCH" in his face. Although he was male, I don't care; he deprived me of learning something. What, I go around in the field while I could be listening intentively in the hall?
But yeah, as I walked, I actually started to feel myself cry. I bit my tongue and whatever else I could pinch on, to make myself feel more pain than depression. Why the hell am I going through all this. I am no longer what everyone thinks I am. I must've been God's disaster. He probably sneezed and had mucus all over me as his other work of Art. I am never going to get anywhere in life. I'm short, fat, ugly, unintelligent, inelegant, vulgar, and make the most cynical redundant comments ever. What more of imperfection can step in? Okay, I'm rude, uncooth, scheming, uncaring, rough, unbearably irritating, a stick-in-the-mud, spoilt, petty, a f*cking emo-kid and so temperamental. I'm neither academically, lingually or musically-inclined, I have no sense of taste, I am literally shitty when it comes to fashion, and I am trying SO hard to be a dork when all it takes is nothing at all!
I wonder how the hell Siow Chian actually does it. Even SHE has friends. I live with nothing, I'm bearing with nothing, and I'll cry at nothing at the end of my life here. Is this how you want it Gloria?! You've won, your PETTY ASSHOLE attitude, Gloria. You happy now? There are bruises where people don't notice; I am hurting myself and asking myseld WHY THE F*CK I still exist. I SHOULDN'T. I'm so fucking pissed with myself it's driving me up the wall and bleeding through it.
I am nothing anymore. I've done this enough. I've been stupid with all my friends, but it hurt so much knowing my past again. I NEVER wanted to see my past. My stupid, stupid retardness.. you haven't seen pain before, you wouldn't really care to understand.. Believe me, I haven't badmouthed ANY of you. The only asshole I look down in class is Nick. He thinks he knows everything, when all he does is cower under the pillow when it's wrong and pretends it's still right. If whatever rumours made you think I badmouthed any of you, I do not stoop that low to backstab people nor divulge others of secrets I swore never to reveal or at least know better to shut up with. I am not some cheap, low-assed person that plays games just to make friends. 5 years of friendship was great with you, and I thank every one of you. I have no wish to go on if my pettyness is affecting you, thus I want to be alone. But do not and I repeat: DO NOT assume things that I have not said. Every part of my anger was NEVER vented on any one of you. I vent it upon myself. I cry, I beat myself, I cry some more. I don't see how thrashing back at myself would be venting it on you. If it was to be getting angry, believe me.. you know I hate liars. You know YOU hate liars. I wouldn't be so happy to be lied to in the middle of everyone. Try being laughed at everyone. The echoing chorus of laughter mocking you; you know I hold a very high sense of pride - shattering it would be like flinging a rubber snake after scaring the heck out of Britney Spears when she would've thought it was real.
Many times I've tried closing my door, opening the window, and I looked down and tried to jump off. Like any other coward, I didn't. But like hey, 15 storeys was probably a reason why my parents chose this. They probably want me dead as well; they know I could never achieve anything in life.
Aliman, if you're reading this and going "oh crap, here she goes again.." and tell me that there -has- to be something to live for; THERE ISN'T. Well sure.. there used to be, but there's nothing to live for anymore.
I've lied to myself too much.. it's time I let go.
anyhow whacked by gloria @ 4:27 pm