Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Yes, I feel like a total jackass. I greatly apologise if I have been so unfriendly, unfeeling, cold, bitchy, and such an idiot these few days. I don't know what's come over me; I can't possibly blame others. It is - indeed - my own fault.I didn't want the rest of you just standing there, looking at me eagerly to give directions. Gloria is very indecisive. I await instructions; I don't give it unless I really don't have a choice. And even if I did, I would think 'Now would he/she actually agree and do it?' I hate being someone that is a burden to a particular community/group. As much as I know that I am (in examples of helping out with the class' management, you can see what an utter failure I am), I can't possibly make things better by actually making you all find this quote and that sentence; then just have myself to write. I couldn't help but let you all go home, and let me finish it myself. Again, I'm sorry if that action taken was so fucking wrong. I apologise, I understand you have intentions on helping, but looking at your faces I felt so guilty making you help while everyone ELSE went home without doing or done something utterly slipshod. I do not vie with that sort of work so long as I have ample time, I'm a perfectionist that likes to take her own sweet time in making it perfect. I've already mentioned many times what a procrastinate I am, and you already know that. I understand I was such an obstinate fuck when you all willingly offered to help and yet I chided it. I'm sorry.
I've thought about what someone once had said to me. "Why have friends? All of them backstabbed me, kicked me while I was down, and I learnt to work alone. They never cared about me; I couldn't care less about them either." I would agree with that statement, although it does sound kinda harsh, and I think friends are important. I have done my fair share of loyalty, and I have an equal share of loathe. I don't know. If I'm going to be outcast from this day onwords, I couldn't care less. I really have no care for the rest of the world already. I understand that from this day on that if I can't do anything myself, I don't see why anyone else should try and help me. If the world is going to turn into a place where one does things for himself/herself, I don't see a reason to be selfless any longer either. I mean, if everyone lives for themselves, why would I be a non-conformist (although I am one) and try to help. Not like anyone would want my intiated help anyway, right?
Boils down to this: hate me if you wish, I really never wanted this to happen. I just wanted something else out of it. And it was never anything to hurt any of you. I personally hold no grudges; I'll stay out of your way if you want to stay out of mine after this incident.
Sorry.
anyhow whacked by gloria @ 3:29 pm