Friday, September 24, 2004
Just another plain day in school.It was what happened after school that got me annoyed.
(Please be reminded that I'm no racist; it just had to happen with that particular race.)
It was a normal typical Friday, being allowed to leave school at 12.40 since the Muslims had to go for Friday prayers. But of course, 4A had to stay back due to English lessons which Mr Tom Chan would drag on, making it second nature knowing that we wouldn't be able to leave school until one o'clock or so.
When the grace of God finally made him say "Class dismissed", I gathered my belongings, took off the shohoku jacket that belonged to Sean, and scooted out, not wanting to be called by him, be nagged at and questioned if I was studying for my N levels. (I'm still a procrastinate; I don't feel like studying. >.>)
Anyway, I bade min, yin, zhihui and qian nan adieu when we were at the gate, since I took the bus-stop at the opposite side. Crossed the traffic light like nobody's business, and made my way to the bus-stop.
There, I saw a huge.....
brown....
..dog.
I wasn't afraid, though. I was never afraid of dogs. Just cats. (Ironic that I live with my pet black cat Sabbath eh. -.-) Anyhoo. I walked closer to see it, and realised that it was a female one. And it had a metal chain on it's neck, but who would abandon her? She was very skinny; I could see her ribcages and even her spine. She was huge, about the size of two me's.. making it obvious that she was a very old dog. She was injured on her thigh, but it was an already-healed wound. I couldn't help but pity and want to hug her, but instinct just said no lest she wasn't in the mood for hugs from strangers.
Then came along two malay students. Couldn't tell if they were sec one or two, but they were lower sec seeing that they wore shorts. They didn't have a kind look on their faces when they saw the dog, and I could hear them murmuring something, but since my malay vocab sucked, I didn't comprehend. I saw one just take a stone and throw it without aim, and missing the dog. Furious, I glared at both of them. I was going to say something like "Jangan lar, kepala butoh!" (Of course I thanked Aliman for teaching me that. XD), but decided to keep quiet since they ran off.
That attempt of hitting the dog made me remember of something when I was a child.
I was still 4-5, naive and retarded. I was at a playground where I don't remember why I was even there at the first place. I decided to play with the sand when - I found a bird buried there. A little sparrow.. still half alive. It was beating its wings frantically in an attempt to free itself from my grasp, but I held it close trying to dust away the sand. Then, I hear voices. An unknown language, and a push. I fell to the ground and released the bird from my hands.
"Oei, don't touch our things lar!!" yelled a boy of which was definitely bigger than me in age and in size, and grabbed the bird.
Terrified, I ran somewhere else. But I didn't know what they were going to do to the bird, so I stayed close and watched. I had the shock of my life when they took out a matchbox, lighted a fire, gathered everyone and stuck the lighted matchstick in the sparrow's wing. The sparrow seemed to cry for help.. I was just helpless.
All of a sudden, when he stuck the second one, and the sparrow just surrendered itself to the murderers, I felt utter fury. I just dashed forward, pushed the guy and yelled. Why did they have to kill it? It never offended them anyway.. I was probably too naive to understand; but killing a life, regardless of how small the creature is, to me it's unforgivable. Maybe I'm still naive. Like I give a flying fuck about that.
When a second stone flew out to hit the dog, a group of chinese sec one's said, "hey, got two malays throw stone at it leh." I turned around and saw them run out from behind a pillar to pick another stone, probably to hit it again. One of them did just that.
I couldn't take it anymore.
"Jangan kacau lar!" I yelled. Everyone just focused their eyes on me for a second, and without a fucking care I glared and asked "did the dog do anything to you? Did you have to do that? What for? Fun har? If the dog was to retaliate you'd run like a fucking sissy?" I didn't care what others were thinking, what they did.. was so fucking wrong. One of them jsut mustered up enough courage to say "he do one." Of course, that was just the wrong thing to say. "Fucking liar. You think he's the only one who did it? Of course you were involved. Even if you aren't, can't you even be smart enough to stop him? Fuckface. The dog's dieing already and all you can do is fucking throw stones? Cheebye, next tme you want to die can I stone you to death? Leave the dog in peace to die also cannot. Your fucking finger so itchy need to throw stone to entertain yourself?"
Why do I always end up cursing in public. -.- Where's someone when I need them to stop me, lol.
Of course, that last rock that he threw hit the dog, and she ran off.. knowing that staying won't get her peace in her probable death.
I was thinking why I blew my temper - again. Was it because I just thought what I did was right? Or was I being naive? *takes a look at self* The latter. *sigh* I seriously don't know. All I remember was just trying to get up to them and hit them hard for trying to disturb an already old and dieing dog.
I don't think of what I do when angry. I don't fear anything when angered, not them, not you, and definitely not Death, either.
anyhow whacked by gloria @ 2:18 pm
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Pretty ordinary morning.Woke up late again.
Had to run to chase the bus.
Then it all happened...
I got on the bus and stood at the place where I usually did, at the big empty space. Up came all the others, and a kid not more than 10 years of age, I should say. He started yelling, "going to be late liao lar! I don't want go school next time le.. MOVE LAR! Block my way.. animals!"
So yeah, naturally I thought; "wtf is wrong with this kid?" And just stared at him, just like everyone else on the bus did. I thought the man in front of him was his father, since he was pretty nonchalant about the whole situation. Afraid not. He shoved the man aside and yelled something like "move lar so slow! I'm late already still block! Animals!!" He seems to like that word alot, eh?
So yeah, he's probably a kid who's.. well.. mentally unstable. *shrugs* Oh well.
At the bus-stop near Zhi Hui's house, I scooted to the exit door to ease myself from sqeezing in the crowd to exit the bus later on. Wanted to say "hi" to Siow Chian who was beside me at the exit, but since she's always that anti-social... narrh.
All of a sudden, the kid's voice comes booming from the back of the bus. "Move lar all of you! I want to go out later.. late already still don't want let me go. I next time don't want to go school liao lar!", and pushing everyone boarding the bus at that moment away from his path. Those who were smart enough dodged him.
Horror of horrors, he walks up next to me, and PUSHES me aside. Embarrassing as it was, I scowled and was going to refuse to budge and push him back instead, but I couldn't help thinking he's a kid who's mentally unstable. You're in school uniform. What if he turns around and hits? Narh, don't risk fighting. So I let him have the exit. I couldn't move to the other one, since Siow Chian was standing there. She's probably laughing at me.. that... argh. *flushes from embarrassment*
While he's at my spot where I was standing a few seconds ago, he continues to curse, whine and swear at the whole world. "I don't want to go to school lar.. make me go there. Waste time, stupid people!! Stupid!" Pissed off, I just stood behind him and hissed, "Shut up lar."
That's not all.
What really shocked me was that he said something that totally freaked me out.
"I don't want to go - Of course I'm talking to you lar Chris (right then I was thinking "Of all people to have a ghost friend.. why the name Chris?" *bawls*), then who!? Ghost ah??" The boy yelled. Obviously, he wasn't talking to any Chris, for he was facing the door and I was the closest person beside him. So, this kid has lost his mind. *shudders* I backed away a few steps, only to step on someone's foot. I didn't see who but I apologised anyway. I wasn't in the mood to yell if he yelled back.
When we arrived at the school bus-stop, I waited for him to go down to see where he actually studies at.. or wherever he is supposed to be. I stood behind him, and expected him to alight, but he didn't. He just stood there, silent. Furious for shoving me aside to "get down the next stop" and swearing like his mother owned Singapore, I took the right exit, and on the steps I glared at him hissing, "Ta ma de.. want to go down push me aside, now don't go down kao bei kao bu so much. Next time see you diam can? Chee bye.." And stormed off, glaring at the kid.
Of course, doing that just made me regret even more. I was in my school uniform and I just swore in public. Gloria.. you are a moron I tell you. Dufus, in a better word. As if having an internal conflict with myself wasn't enough, after the bus passed by I just had that urge to stick out and point that middle finger to the boy. Knowing well enough not to, I didn't.
And the dumbass of an Operations Manager just had to make my day worse by making the cabin classrooms only accessible to electricity at 7.30am. Of course, lovable me wrote a letter since he wasn't there. Late school staff. Pfft I say, PFFFFT. And even if he was there, hell I'd kill him. Even Tiger was there, and he'll back me up since the power supply in our class is also screwed. I'm gonna make his schooling life a living hell, that wrinkled tiko-faced flirter of school attendants piece of prunehead.
Ahhh, finally ranted it all off. Feels muucccchh better. *sits down and materialises a cup of pure vanilla ice blended, sipping on it while watching AXN*
anyhow whacked by gloria @ 5:38 pm
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Chased out by our beloved math teacher Mrs Chiu.. Out in the corridor on chairs. Had around 6-7 people out too, and we were all in one row, with me in front since I seemed pretty rebellious. Who cares. I seemed pretty pissed with teachers today, like they were just teens like me. I didn't give a shit of how they felt; someone had to tell them punishment is no longer in trend. I can perfectly understand how serious the situation is. I will try my best to get to sec 5, no matter how much everyone says I'll make it I'm still having my doubts. If I really don't make it, I don't even know if nafa or shatec will accept retards like me.C'est la vie.
Then it was recess, and tom chan just stopped me and said something bout degrading my Conduct from 'Very Good' to 'Good'. I just nodded solemnly. I really don't give a fuck about my conduct; I do whatever deems fit at any situation. But someone has to wake tom chan up and let him know I actually appreciate his tormenting nags. I've been thinking about it.. I'd rather let someone who knows us for almost four years than let someone who doesn't appreciate us normal acads for who we are be our form teacher next year. Moreover, as sec fives next year, it's crucial. Probably the most critical part of our lives next year will depend on a teacher who is able to laugh with us, bear with us, crack lame jokes to us, and finally... someone who understands. Believe it or not, tom chan actually does. Just that he's too much at times and you all know that. Whatever you believe, I'm determined to make him stay. They won't appoint a teacher YOU like if tom chan leaves us next year. Definitely not. We aren't the ones that need motivation now; he is. I found that he's turned from the over-enthusiastic fun-loving and optimistic form teacher to someone really pessimistic. Changing his mind might be hard, but I'm serious. If he can't motivate us, no one can.
No one.
I realised too, that I'm just a coward that can't face many things. I cower under the blast of thunder. I can't get scolded without crying. I can't leave without saying goodbye. I can't carry a conversation without stuttering. Why. Of all people I had to be, why a coward. I call others a coward, but I am one too. I can't ever face things alone. I need someone with me. When it's all alone.... it's so dark.
Maybe.. I need to apologise.
Zichun said I looked like a country bumpkin with my new haircut. *laughs* Yeah, probably. But he said that if I was really much quieter instead, I'll look like some really innocent guaikia. I just might do that.. but there are my own limitations. I can't put up with myself.. I don't know if I should just be someone serious and fun-less, or someone to cheer people up with my lame stupidity. It all just seems too much.
Everything just seems so fucked up.
anyhow whacked by gloria @ 4:46 pm
Monday, September 13, 2004
Finally started schooling again. Missed my chair, my dictionary, that musty, pungent stench of 'no-air-con-for-one-week' smell - well.. wasn't really missing that smell, but yeah anyway. I missed me in school crapping the ass out of hell and watching others crap the hell out of their asses, too.It's also the 'O' Level Preliminary Examinations, could see everyone just hugging each other saying that they aren't prepared and that they're scared.. probably I'll end up stressed to death next year too.. *shudders*
But yeah today we didn't have to do much, just a literature common test that had 3 questions of which I did one.. and was at the second question with one sentence when I just decided... "fuck that." and handed up the paper. Sure, Mrs Hoe's gonna kill me, but I could always put up that innocent act that she always had to give in to. Hehh. *evil laughter*
I really don't see how come Nicholas can be related to such a teacher.. whereas Nick himself.. is such.. a total procrastinator. Totaaaal diff, yah?
But yea aaanyway. Speaking 'bout hoes. It was total hilarious-city when we had to do some "kNOw drugs" rap composition.. thingy. So yeah using my uber intelligence I decided to make something that rhymed. They gave us two starting verses.. that sounded like:
Don't take drugs, because it ain't cool;
don't be stupid, don't be a fool.
Well, something like that. So I was thinking of something that rhymed with 'no'. I turned round, asked: "how's this,"
When it comes to drugs, just say no;
And if you don't listen, you're a motherfuckin' ho."
Well, doesn't really sound funny when you type it out.. but hell, when I said it loudly, it was an explosion of laughter and the ASEAN scholar who was teaching us at that moment started blankly at me and asked me to repeat what I said. Of course, being a nice student *starts having angel wings and a halo on top of head*, I denied and said nothing. :)
We gathered up all our rap's and hell, believe me. You won't be able to stop laughing no matter how hard you try. Sean's one was something about.. err, Kbox and clowns, and of course Nick had something with Chris Farmer. That.. farmer boy. *sweatdrop*
But ayyee... so much for a first day, huh.
anyhow whacked by gloria @ 3:09 pm
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Been attempting to study.. but there's just too much things in my head. I guess songs aren't helping much, they're more of a distraction, even. Can't find time to just let go and scream... my mum would think I went crazy. Probably I have.*snaps self back to reality*
Riiight, shouldn't be overreacting. I guess I'll go back to chem.. and while I'm at it; OREOS AND MILLKK!! <3
Music please.
Delta Goodrem - Innocent Eyes
Do you remember when you where seven?
And the only thing that you wanted to do
was show your mum that you could play the piano?
Ten years have passed,
and the one thing that lasts;
Is that same old song that we played along and made my mama cry.
I miss those days and I miss those ways
When I got lost in fantasies
In a cartoon land of mysteries
In a place you won't grow old in a place you won't feel cold and I'll sing
Da da da da da da da da da da
Seems I'm lost in my reflection
Da da da da da da da da da da
Find a star for my direction
Da da da da da da da da da da
For the little girl inside who won't just hide
Don't let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes
Do you remember when you were fifteen?
And the kids at school called you a fool cos you took the chance to dream
In the time that's past and the one thing that will last
Is that same old song that we played along and made my daddy cry
I miss those days and I miss those ways
When I got lost in fantasies
In a cartoon land of mysteries
In a place you won't grow old in a place you wont feel cold
Da da da da da da da da da da
Seems I'm lost in my reflection
Da da da da da da da da da da
Find a star for my direction
Da da da da da da da da da da
For the little girl inside who wont just hide
Don't let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes
Under my feel things under my skin
Under the thoughts from within
Learning the subtext
Of the mind
See creation how we're defined
My innocent eyes
I miss those days and I miss those ways
When I got lost in fantasies
In a cartoon land of mysteries
In a place you won't grow old in a place you wont feel cold
Da da da da da da da da da da
Seems I'm lost in my reflection
Da da da da da da da da da da
Find a star for my direction
Da da da da da da da da da da
For the little girl inside who wont just hide
let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes
Da da da da da da da da da da
Faith and innocent eyes x 2
For the little girl inside who wont just hide
Don't let me see mistakes, lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes
anyhow whacked by gloria @ 12:07 pm